It started at 11:45pm in the evening. I awoke from afternoon nap. The pain ripped through my body making it unbearable for me to move. Tired is an understatement. I’m not only tired physically, I’m tired mentally and emotionally. Years of going through some things can absolutely wear you down. Let me go back to yesterday afternoon.
Walking through my apartment, I felt overwhelmed. All bicycles are out of storage and placed in my living room along with clean laundry that need my attention (sorting for donations), and toys. The kitchen is overloaded with the recent food shopping purchases-at least the dishes are clean but not put away (aaaahhhhhh). Going near the bathroom is my wonderful small laundry space. Does anyone in this household think to just put a load in the machine? Nope, wait on mommy to do it.
More toys in the hallway…arts and craft…children…I now go in my room. My techy husband has his things around. Ready to explode, I decided to lay down for a moment to gather my feelings and thoughts. My thoughts lead to my relationship with my husband and children. First my children.
Children have a natural tendency to be selfish. It’s just in their nature. But at times I forget that and want to go completely off on how I feel about their selfishness. Most people will say do it so they can know and understand but I’m very, very careful on how my delivery is with my children…especially what I say in the moment of anger and frustration. Words hurt, stain, and can stay. My children are pretty much needy (well the ones who are in the household). And they should be. They’re learning. As I said, at times, I forget this and want to go completely off. I’m thanking God for patience.
My children are used to me being there all the time. I’m a stay at home mom. I’ve been for years. But a change is coming. I announced that I, mommy, is going back to school. OMG!!! The range of emotions and questions that bombarded my life at that moment. Why? Who’s going to be there for us when we come home? Who’s going to pick us up? Who will cook for us? Why? Can’t you go online? (My hubby even asked me that…like what?) I just shook my head and silently said, “Well thank you for the congratulations and mommy we’re so happy and proud of you.” Did they hear me? Yes. And went on to complain about me being absent from the home (It didn’t happen yet).
I’m not going to lie. My heart broke for the moment. At times, we expect a scenario to go as seen in our heads but when the total opposite happens, you wonder what just happened. I didn’t see that happening in my vision bubble. POP! Oh well. For a moment, I went in my feelings. Why can’t they understand my newfound freedom? Why can’t they understand what I’m doing is for them? Shucks, it’s for me as well. It’s my time to show and prove that I’m more than just a wife and mother. I want to improve my writing and gain as much knowledge as possible to run a lucrative writing career. I need this. Does it matter? At this time, sorry to say…no. They’re use to me being there…for them.
I go on to think about my relationship with my husband. Almost twelve years married, sixteen together. God knows we’ve had our ups and downs. Making a vow and keeping it with all you have is a level that goes higher and higher. More challenges will come. More compromises. More arguments. More joy. It’s all about the balance. I must admit, I have NOT been balancing well. With all that goes on with the children and life in general, we rarely have time to connect on a mental and emotional level. And when we do, all hell breaks loose. Why? Here’s why.
In the times of not connecting or reconnecting, changes are occurring. Emotions are going unheard. Feelings are going unheard. Desires, wishes, and goals are unheard. Finally, time presents an opportunity to allow a forum to be heard. Two things can happen here. It’s either be heard and the other party accepts what’s being heard OR be heard and instantly the attacks (which it’s not) come leading to arguments. Sorry to say, that’s been happening a lot in the past year or so.
I fall asleep. Weird dream. I awake in pain. My body is reacting to the subconscious. I’m upset, hurt, and confused. My husband is working on the laptop. He then turns to me and asks how my nap was. Fine. I look out the window and its totally dark. The house is quiet. I look at the time…eleven something. How could this be? I have tons of things to do in the house. Am I hungry? I don’t think so. What’s going on with me.
He then asks me if I want him to shut down the laptop. I say no. I didn’t feel like writing. I just wanted to sit back and focus on my pain. He says okay. He goes to bed. Fast asleep. Snoring and everything. In my head, again, I vision him asking me HOW I FEEL? That never came. I know I could’ve asked him the same thing due to an ailment he’s dealing with. But the pain in my body, mixed with all the emotions, thoughts and goals didn’t allow it.
I started to cry. He didn’t hear me. I muffled it in my shirt. The tears stung. I hear a still voice. Breathe Carlene. And I did. I took several deep breaths. I again think on my previous thought before going to sleep…my relationship with my husband. Why are we arguing? Why can’t we agree? Why can’t we get along? What’s happening? Are we really for each other? God please, I need an answer.
I check my email. I have a girlfriend who’s a Life Coach. I open her email. She’s done a video labeled Conversations with the Coach: Do I have the Answers? (Link below). I decided (choice is key) to watch it. Someone asked a question about getting out of a relationship. When do you know its time? It’s easy to answer that for singles. But for the married…sigh. I listened and I heard. She said one thing that turned on that light bulb. That light bulb made me realize I’m in my forties and something has taken place within me. I’m shifting.
When Coach Stefanie said that, I was like…that’s it. I’m shifting. And it’s okay. It happens in life. You are not destined to stay the same. I’m not the same Carlene in my twenties or thirties. I’m now Carlene in my forties. My desires are different. My goals have changed. My feelings towards some things are different. Even my taste buds are different. How I see myself is different. I shifted and I’m still shifting.
In this shift, I realize my loved ones may not have been or may not be ready for it. They’re used to me being one way. But now, with no more babies coming out of me, no more staying home, no more wearing just “mommy clothes”, taking time to put on makeup before leaving the house, coloring my hair, and so much more…it’s a shock to their system.
Though I want them to shift with me or at least accept this shift, I have to realize it takes time. When someone is use to you being one way for so many years, it’s hard to accept this new person. To me I’ve always been this person but I’ve noticed she’s disappeared within the years. Where did she go? She was pushed back to allow another part of her to work, relate, and adapt to the situations presented to her. As these situations are handled, and a calm has come along with a release, she begins to emerge. She has room to grow and expand…to stretch in the room within.
I’m shifting. And it feels good to have found the answer. Patience is key. As I emerge again, I’ll remember to be patient as my loved ones accept this newfound me (well in their eyes) …
Much love to you all.
Please check out my friend and sis, Coach Stefanie, YouTube channel – Better Life Choices of New York. There you will find the video: Conversations with the Coach: Do I have the Answers?
Thank you Coach SteFanie. Your transparency is everything.